Sunflowers

Read title. Yes. Sunflowers. Well its my favourite flower. Not very feminine, not exactly masculine. I remember it is when i was young, i saw my sister plucking a neighbour's sunflower plant. I forgot why she need it for but i know i love the colour, shape and its strong stem because i can see how she struggles to pluck it away. It seems as though it is hard to be conquered.. Then, for some reason we've got sunflower seeds. We plant it in a pot and watch it grow day by day. In a blink it has grown into a humongous yellow flower. I was short then of course. Looking up to see this stretching plant i felt satisfied. Every night we would make it stand in the middle of the lawn and watch the water sprinkle on it from the watering hose. One day it died. Our maid put it out to the sun and we hav even more seed. Seeing it just once is enough. Came to melbourne, i tried to plant it but it didn't last long of course. Such scorching weather kills it after it has grown so FAT. It is so beautiful i dunno why. If i were to ask a gift I'd like to have a sunflower farm, FULL of sunflowers. I am so much opposite to this flower. I'm fragile, hate the sun, and dull. When i'm upset, i got angry to cover my sadness; ppl think i am crazy and cold hearted. When i make mistakes, even little ones; i try to blame others or just got angry, again. LOL. When im scared of ppl's reaction, i lol-ed. When im shy, i lol-ed. My actions contradicts to my so call principles i set for myself. My heart felt to do things that contradicts to 'what i should do'. Choosing b/t caring too much and not care at all. I hate making conclusions. Conclusions doesnt have to be positive? Do i have to say oh like the sunflower i should be bla bla? Mayb i like and hate the way i am now. Maybe i like the fact that i hate myself. If you dun get it i understand. Prob nobody is as crazy as me. Im crazily in love and in hatred. OF myself.