Creative writing

Did some creative writing today for an assignment, would you proofread it oh people out there whose English is far better than mine. It is suppose to be 600 words but I reached to 500 and only written less than half of the story. Then I resolved to cut the story. Sigh. Maybe I should write another longer version to fully describe what I wanted to portray.


Based on the theme 'Lambs to the slaughter'

“Thump!”,  the sharp metal blade banged against the surface as it crushed through the bones, cutting the flesh in half. The blood squirt onto his face. “Ah, what smell” he thought to himself.

“Lucas! Mister Charlie! Would you be so wonderful to fetch me a pound of those minced lamb meat please?” she said as she tap her fingers on the glass. Her ring glints so brightly and it caught someone’s eyes by the light. She turned towards Mrs. Hopes and tapped on her shoulder.

“Mrs. Hopes oh dear Mrs. Hopes how you been doing?” she said as she touched her cheek on Mrs. Hope cheek.

“Very well thank you. You see I am coming out under the sun and now buying some lamb for a pie tonight. I am certainly making progress.” Mrs. Hopes almost had to shout through the crowd’s noise. She stared at her ring on her finger and looked up smiling again.

“Well I hope you are doing just fine. If there is anything I can help do call me. I will be right at your doorstep.” Mary leaned forward, pat on Mrs. Hopes arm, and leaned back. “You have been in that big cold house for too long.”

“Mrs. Hopes!” Mary and Mrs. Hopes turned to see it was Lucas smiling and holding a bag with both hands, as if presenting a gift.

“Oh wonderful, thank you very much” Mrs. Hopes reached for her purse and took out some cash, shoved it into Lucas’ money box and take her minced meat.

“That should be of your help very much Lucas, your hands are full of blood!” Mrs. Hopes said. Lucas smiled and waved goodbye. The crowd quickly filled the space as Mary and Mrs. Hopes squeeze through the people.

The noises, laughter and thumping noises faded, as the sky turned to a golden shade. Lucas wiped off his blood stained face and pushed himself through the swinging door. The door slammed behind him as he walk towards his truck. “L. C. FHER Butcher” is written in bold on his truck, below an illustration of a women is holding a pie in one hand and a lamb shank in the other. He pulled himself up to his seat and drove into the distance.

Eyes opened. The moonlight glared and a figure rise up on his bed, and his shadow covered most his room, making it even darker. He put on his gloves, a mask that covered half of his face and a big black coat. He reached from underneath his bed and pulled out a large bag and swiftly grabbed more things on his way towards his door.

It was dark and cold, and the rain poured lightly on his face as he smiled. “This is just fine”, he thought to himself. He stepped up to a truck and reached his hand above the truck. Out he pull a large cloth that drapped and reached above the wheels. He stepped down again and tied some strings. Then, quickly he got into the truck and drove out of the gates leaving a trail of black smoke.

The truck slowly and carefully creeped towards a white gate, and make a stop under a tree, its shadows covered the truck wholly. The door clicked as he tip toed towards the gate. He firmly pressed the doorbell and hide against the neighbour wall.

“Oh Mary, I didn’t think you would be so quick am I glad to be seeing you again.” Mrs. Hopes pulled her gown and half skipped to the gates. She pushed the gates open and peered out, smiling.

“Mary?”

“Mary oh is this a pr….”

Mrs. Hopes is grabbed from behind, her mouth covered. She could not struggle anymore within seconds as she was dragged into the house. The door shut with a soft click.

Lucas stared at his fireplace, his face glows from the light but the shadows filled his eyes. He sighed as a trail of white smoke blew out through his teeth. He gulped a glass of water and sprayed the rest of the water to the fireplace.

“Thump!”,  the sharp metal blade banged against the surface as it crushed through the bones, cutting the flesh in half. The blood oozed out on his face. “Ah, what smell” he thought to himself.

 “Lucas! Mr. Charlie!” and old lady in front of him exclaimed. “I found a chipped diamond in your meat yesterday. I should come here to more to find something. Am I so lucky!” she said as he lean back and giggled.

“Oh yes you are indeed you are welcome!” Lucas briefly replied.

“You are very lucky.” Lucas thought to himself as he waved goodbye.